1
00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:31,360
Oh, my God.

2
00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:33,320
Isn't it great?

3
00:00:33,360 --> 00:00:35,320
No! It's ridiculous.

4
00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:38,720
Why did you get it?
And why is it in my shop?

5
00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:42,200
Manny said I needed a hobby.
It's only for a few days.

6
00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:43,760
It needs to be winched into my flat.

7
00:00:43,800 --> 00:00:46,280
Piano? You'll be bored in minutes.

8
00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:50,960
No. I'm getting lessons from a
Russian guy who says he never fails.

9
00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:53,360
Right!

10
00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:55,880
I have been working now for...

11
00:00:56,880 --> 00:00:58,920
73 straight hours.

12
00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:00,320
I'm going to lunch.

13
00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:01,760
You can't.

14
00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:04,600
This is reserved for Williams, OK?

15
00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:06,080
Where's my cure?

16
00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:08,640
It's not my fault you're hungover.

17
00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:12,840
It is! If I lived with a normal
person I'd have less to blot out.

18
00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:14,080
Where's the Flake?

19
00:01:14,120 --> 00:01:16,360
I was looking for Blue Sands.

20
00:01:17,560 --> 00:01:20,080
Sorry. Bernard, it is not for sale!

21
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,160
FLAKE! FLAKE! FLAKE! FLAKE!

22
00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:26,000
Beat it, Flaps.

23
00:01:28,320 --> 00:01:31,680
This teacher guy, Josef,
is coming tomorrow. Is that OK?

24
00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:33,720
Here's your bloody Flake.

25
00:01:33,920 --> 00:01:34,880
Bernard!

26
00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:35,680
WHAT?

27
00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:39,880
This is reserved for Williams,
right? You know what he's like.

28
00:01:39,880 --> 00:01:41,960
Look: "Williams, Blue Sands".

29
00:01:41,960 --> 00:01:44,680
You'll get out of the way
for the lesson?

30
00:01:44,720 --> 00:01:47,360
SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU! I'M DYING!

31
00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:49,680
Jesus, more hobbledehoys.

32
00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:54,960
Don't leave me alone with them!
They're all over the place!

33
00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:59,600
Why can't they all just go away
and... and... Oh, Manny, look.

34
00:02:04,320 --> 00:02:07,600
I'm going.
I just heard this was funny, but...

35
00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:09,400
Sorry to bother you.

36
00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:11,560
No, wait, it's yours.

37
00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:12,520
No! That belongs to Williams!

38
00:02:12,560 --> 00:02:14,240
THUMP

39
00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:16,280
Great. How much is it?

40
00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:18,840
Nothing.
Sorry it's not beautifully wrapped.

41
00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:20,880
Thanks.

42
00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:23,880
Why did you give it to that girl?

43
00:02:24,080 --> 00:02:26,800
Don't call the woman I love
"that girl"!

44
00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:30,200
(SCREAMS)
RINGS

45
00:02:30,240 --> 00:02:33,920
Hello? I'm afraid they're all gone.
We sold the last one.

46
00:02:33,920 --> 00:02:37,320
Ah, Mr Williams, your book...
Do you fancy a drink?

47
00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:41,160
I'm afraid Manny just sold
the last copy. Terribly sorry.

48
00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:54,040
(PAINFULLY PICKS OUT NOTES)

49
00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:56,600
Again! Come on!

50
00:02:56,600 --> 00:02:58,680
Three Blind Mice.

51
00:03:03,080 --> 00:03:04,360
God, not again!

52
00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:05,640
What's the matter?

53
00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:09,240
We've done this for 10 minutes.
It's not what I imagined.

54
00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:11,560
Neither was my first wife. Play!

55
00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:23,040
See? Even if I had 50 fingers and a
million years, I still couldn't play

56
00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:26,040
I want to watch a video.
Can we go get chips?

57
00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:33,040
When you hired me,
you hired a Slavansky. My family
has taught piano for 200 years.

58
00:03:33,240 --> 00:03:36,680
Of all my 13 brothers and sisters,

59
00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:40,120
I was the one sent
on the scholarship!

60
00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:42,600
The rest stayed behind in the yurt.

61
00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:43,920
What's a yurt?

62
00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:47,560
A tent made of beaver skins.
It's not so good.

63
00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:50,680
You're slouching! Play!

64
00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:53,600
(PLAYS THREE BLIND MICE)

65
00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:55,600
(HITS WRONG CHORDS)

66
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:01,320
Where were you?

67
00:04:01,520 --> 00:04:03,360
Fran kicked me out
for her stupid lesson.

68
00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:05,880
Shut up. I'm not talking to you.

69
00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:09,520
What? A customer
was a bit disappointed.

70
00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:14,560
Quite disappointed.
I'll make it up to you.

71
00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:18,000
I'm sick of being used.
I'm sick of your lies.

72
00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:19,240
How will you make it up to me?

73
00:04:19,280 --> 00:04:21,640
I'll buy you a Jeep.

74
00:04:21,640 --> 00:04:25,040
No! I want the weekend off.
I mean it.

75
00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:26,000
I want a life!

76
00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:29,440
This is life! We suffer,
slave and expire! That's it!

77
00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:33,680
We have needs. Fran's got her piano,
I want some time to myself,

78
00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:35,960
you want to go out with a girl.

79
00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:37,960
Don't make me laugh...

80
00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:41,520
bitterly. Fran will fail,
you'll toil your life away

81
00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:44,960
and I'll die alone
on the floor of a pub toilet.

82
00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:47,240
(LAUGHS)

83
00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:55,760
(Just... just ask her out.)

84
00:04:55,760 --> 00:05:00,200
Pointless! Look at her - she's got
goodness running out of her ears.

85
00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:03,800
(I bet you the weekend
she says yes.)

86
00:05:05,280 --> 00:05:07,320
Go on, give it a go.

87
00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:09,880
All right! Look, look, look!

88
00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:15,720
Hello, I'm... Not that it matters.
I'm Bernard and...

89
00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:18,680
Nice to meet you. Kate.

90
00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:20,560
The book's good. Thank you.

91
00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:22,640
Oh.

92
00:05:25,480 --> 00:05:30,120
Do you eat? I do. Want to do it
in the same room sometime?

93
00:05:30,120 --> 00:05:31,080
Well...

94
00:05:31,120 --> 00:05:35,640
You're busy seeing one of your
four million friends. Never mind.

95
00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:37,720
There. You see?

96
00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:41,760
Is tomorrow all right?

97
00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:43,720
You did ask me out, didn't you?

98
00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:46,560
Yes, and look what happened.

99
00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:49,760
I'll pass by the shop, say 8pm?

100
00:05:49,760 --> 00:05:50,720
Eight?

101
00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:53,040
Good. See you then.

102
00:05:55,160 --> 00:05:57,760
What does that mean, "see you then"?

103
00:05:58,080 --> 00:06:00,840
It means me, duvet, TV,

104
00:06:01,040 --> 00:06:05,560
Maltesers, behind a locked door.
I win. I've got the weekend off.

105
00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:09,640
You've got a date, Fran's probably
having a great piano lesson.

106
00:06:09,640 --> 00:06:13,040
Who's suffering now?
You tell me. Hah!

107
00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:19,320
(PICKS OUT NOTES)

108
00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:23,880
Enough! Enough today!

109
00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:28,120
Lots of work to be done.

110
00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:30,720
Stupid piano.

111
00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:34,160
You will practise all evening.
Swear to me!

112
00:06:35,120 --> 00:06:37,120
I swear.

113
00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:41,920
I will be back tomorrow

114
00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:45,320
and every day until you can play!

115
00:06:50,480 --> 00:06:52,480
(SIGHS)

116
00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:57,400
(I got the weekend off.)

117
00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:01,440
That girl - I mean Kate -

118
00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:03,440
she asked me out.

119
00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:05,800
Couldn't resist my musk.

120
00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:12,240
It's so unfair. I must be musical.
I've got hundreds of CDs.

121
00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:18,680
He wants me to practise all evening
like a child. He's such a meanie.

122
00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:20,840
Hmm. I always wanted to learn,

123
00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:23,680
but my parents forced me not to.

124
00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:28,640
I spent hour after hour
playing football, all by myself,

125
00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:33,160
peering in at all the other children
practising their piano.

126
00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:36,640
Bigfoot, get on with it.
You're not off till tomorrow.

127
00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:38,680
What are you going to do?

128
00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:42,240
I don't know. Long baths,
braid my beard. Unbraid it.

129
00:07:42,280 --> 00:07:46,080
Lie around fondling moonbeams,
being a lord of leisure.

130
00:07:46,280 --> 00:07:48,280
Go on, you. Get cracking!

131
00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:51,400
OK. Got to get down to this.

132
00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:53,400


133
00:07:54,160 --> 00:07:56,160
Where are you going?

134
00:07:56,160 --> 00:07:58,200
Drink.

135
00:08:09,040 --> 00:08:12,800
RADIO:
Rage Over A Lost Penny

136
00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:18,000
(HUMS)

137
00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:28,120
(PLAYS BEETHOVEN)

138
00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:33,480
Ah! I can play!

139
00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:49,080
RADIO:

140
00:08:58,360 --> 00:09:00,560
(PLAYS IMPROVISED BOOGIE)

141
00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:05,840
(LAUGHS AND SHOUTS)

142
00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:25,080
(GROANS)

143
00:09:29,920 --> 00:09:30,480
DOOR BANGS

144
00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:32,640
(BOTH GROAN LOUDLY)

145
00:09:33,760 --> 00:09:35,400
(RUNS FINGERS UP SCALE)

146
00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:37,520
SHUT UP!

147
00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:42,040
Ooh! Drinking when you should be
practising? Naughty, naughty.

148
00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:46,040
You're on your own.
My time off starts now.

149
00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:51,640
I picked up a few chords off
the radio last night.

150
00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:57,880
Manny, don't! My head!
Josef will squeeze my face again and
my brains will come out of my nose.

151
00:09:58,200 --> 00:09:59,160
(PLAYS GENTLY)

152
00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:00,160
No noise!

153
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:04,480
(PLAYS GRIEG: Piano Concerto)

154
00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:15,120
Good, isn't it? Sort of relaxing.

155
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:20,680
I picked up this other thing
that's quite famous.

156
00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:39,400
Miss Fran?

157
00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:41,520
I've been practising.

158
00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:46,640
And therefore I don't need any more
lessons and you can... go home.

159
00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:48,880
Mm.

160
00:10:48,880 --> 00:10:52,280
I see. How wonderful!

161
00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:56,800
And did you pick up anything else
in this single evening?

162
00:10:56,800 --> 00:10:59,080
(PLAYS JAZZ)

163
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:02,160
Impossible!

164
00:11:02,160 --> 00:11:04,160
I don't believe it!

165
00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:07,040
Nobody picks up jazz so quickly.

166
00:11:07,240 --> 00:11:10,040
It was me showing off.
I play a little jazz.

167
00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:13,160
This is Bernard, just a friend.

168
00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:16,760
Have you been teaching my pupil,
Mr Bernard Jazz Friend?

169
00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:19,640
Come away from the piano, please.

170
00:11:21,160 --> 00:11:23,320
Now, play again!

171
00:11:23,560 --> 00:11:25,560
We shall see.

172
00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:32,760
How can this be?

173
00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:35,240
Well, I did practise all night.

174
00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:38,120
Don't be upset, Josef.
You inspired her.

175
00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:40,640
Yes, yes. Thank you, Josef.

176
00:11:40,640 --> 00:11:43,360
You've done
a wonderful, wonderful job.

177
00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:47,400
Today's she's a natural.
Yesterday it was cats screwing!

178
00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:51,920
All credit to you. This morning
she played Brahms, Handel, Bach...

179
00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:56,960
Bach! My favourite!
Before I go - please!

180
00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:01,320
No, I can't. It's not good enough.

181
00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:04,160
A perfectionist!

182
00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:06,400
Excellent!

183
00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:07,400
DISSONANT CHORDS

184
00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:09,720
I will return tomorrow.

185
00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:10,680
No! But...

186
00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:12,960
Tomorrow!

187
00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:20,160
What did you say that for?
Now he's coming back!

188
00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:22,720
Don't worry. Manny'll pick it up.

189
00:12:22,720 --> 00:12:25,240
No, Manny's on holiday, remember?

190
00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:29,520
He'll be watching the Test match
in bed, eating tiramisu.

191
00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:32,800
Oh, Manny, what could be nicer?

192
00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:36,280
It's really relaxing.
You said so yourself.

193
00:12:49,040 --> 00:12:50,520


194
00:12:50,560 --> 00:12:52,880
Faster! Faster!

195
00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:57,560
You're not trying! Feathery strokes!

196
00:12:57,560 --> 00:12:59,080
You just told me to dampen it!

197
00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:01,520
Damp feathers! Become the piano!

198
00:13:01,520 --> 00:13:02,600
Play from within!

199
00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:04,600
(SCREAMS) This isn't fair!

200
00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:08,040
It was a deal! I get the weekend
off, you hook up with Kate.

201
00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:10,560
Ah! Lucky girl. I have to freshen
up.

202
00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:19,320
Come on. It's not as if you've been
asked to play anything difficult.

203
00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:23,360
This is Bach's Prelude 21,
from the 48 preludes and fugues.

204
00:13:23,360 --> 00:13:24,720
What exactly do you call difficult?

205
00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:30,640
Richtenberg's Early Toscanava
Cataturian Prokofiev
Popinofftoshops.

206
00:13:30,680 --> 00:13:32,760
OK, you can have a break. Tea, is
it?

207
00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:34,280
Oh, that would be lovely.

208
00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:38,080
I'll have one too, thanks,
and a biccie.

209
00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:44,040
Hi.

210
00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:45,720
Oh, hello.

211
00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:49,240
I've brought the book
for you to read. It's funny.

212
00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:50,760
What are you playing?

213
00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:53,000
Oh, nothing, nothing, nothing.

214
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:57,120
Well, jazz. And classical.
And everything. Rubbish, really.

215
00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:59,200
Come on.

216
00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:01,280
Oh, I'm not very good.

217
00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:02,560
That doesn't matter.

218
00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:06,560
I have to rub linseed oil
into my triceps before I...

219
00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:09,240
Well, maybe a little ditty. Hang on.

220
00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:12,560
No. No way. Not possible.

221
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:14,720
I refuse. Absolutely no.

222
00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:19,400
It is a pity. Have a nice weekend
repricing every book in the shop,

223
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:22,000
because they've all just gone up 1p.

224
00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:28,920
Now, er, there's just something
I wanted to, er, ask you...

225
00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:32,560
Erm, do you... I mean, have you... andgt;

226
00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:35,040
Have you ever, erm,...

227
00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:37,040
Have you ever read this?

228
00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:38,360
No.

229
00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:42,120
Well, don't. It's just birds.
Birds, birds

230
00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:46,320
and more birds. Owls, finches,
sparrows, that kind of thing,

231
00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:48,840
and it's very, very dull and birdy.

232
00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:50,840
So stay away from that, OK?

233
00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:51,800
OK.

234
00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:54,160
Good, good. Now if you want to...

235
00:14:56,240 --> 00:14:58,320
Have a seat.

236
00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:00,800
Now, music.

237
00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:05,640


238
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:16,200
Sounds good. You been practising?

239
00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:18,600
Hello.

240
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:42,200
(You are the lowest! How can you?)

241
00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:47,240
(Oh, much worse than
lying to that sweet old blind man.)

242
00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:50,000
(Clear off - you're ruining my gig.)

243
00:15:56,440 --> 00:15:58,440
Good, isn't he?

244
00:15:58,440 --> 00:16:00,520
Amazing.

245
00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:03,720
The truth is, he's a genius.

246
00:16:04,240 --> 00:16:09,760
This is nothing. Upstairs he's got
rooms full of his recent paintings.

247
00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:13,000
He can, uh, speak nine languages,

248
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:15,000
blow glass, do hard sums -

249
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:18,600
but he wouldn't tell you
because he's so modest.

250
00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:22,520
I had no idea.
He seems so sort of awkward.

251
00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:27,640
See, what he needs
is someone to give him confidence.

252
00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:29,720
Right.

253
00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:45,160
APPLAUSE

254
00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:46,920
That was a bit clumsy.
I'm usually better.

255
00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:50,360
It was fine. Come on, you,
you're taking me out.

256
00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:58,840
Money - taxis, dinner, tips, come
on.

257
00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:00,480
What did you tell her about me?

258
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:02,520
Just nice things.

259
00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:07,600
SPOONS CLANG

260
00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:09,920
Oh, you poor thing.

261
00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:14,400
Oh, Manny, you mustn't let him
exploit you like that.

262
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:16,400
You come and sit down.

263
00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:18,680
There.

264
00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:20,680
(TENDERLY) You sit there.

265
00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:26,400
And have a nice practice
of the Bach for Josef.

266
00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:29,960
Get off! This is my holiday.
I'm going to the pub.

267
00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:32,480
I'm never playing for you again.

268
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:37,320
Well, if you can pick it up
just like that,

269
00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:39,400
anybody can.

270
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:45,000
(BASHES KEYS TUNELESSLY)

271
00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:49,960
You freak!

272
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:55,960
Oh, God.

273
00:17:56,400 --> 00:18:00,160
Oh, Manny, please!
Josef will be here in a minute!

274
00:18:01,440 --> 00:18:03,440
(BASHES OUT CHORDS)

275
00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:05,040
Oh, stop!

276
00:18:05,080 --> 00:18:08,680
What can I tell him?
He'll kill me with his cane.

277
00:18:09,280 --> 00:18:11,440
You - what did you say to Kate?

278
00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:13,960
She thinks I'm the Renaissance.

279
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:20,800
She'll think I lied! I had to go
along with the reclusive genius
stuff

280
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:24,360
She'll be upset to find out
I'm a reclusive wanker.

281
00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:27,960
You have lied, both of you.
It's your fault.

282
00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:31,880
I'm hungover and I'm on holiday
and I'm going to lie down.

283
00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:36,400
He's right. We just
have to tell them the truth.

284
00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:39,600
Josef! Hello...

285
00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:42,600
Fran, my dear!

286
00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:44,880
Now, this is very difficult for me.

287
00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:48,440
I know, I know.
Bach is always a challenge.

288
00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:54,440
Permit me to introduce my father,
who flew in this morning
from Petersburg.

289
00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:57,040
Miss Fran, my father Pyotr.

290
00:18:57,040 --> 00:19:01,200
Hello. Er... this makes what
I have to say even more difficult.

291
00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:06,520
Wait! My grandfather Anton,
all the way from Odessa.

292
00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:10,120
He taught the Tsar
before the Revolution.

293
00:19:10,120 --> 00:19:11,080
Yes, erm...

294
00:19:11,120 --> 00:19:15,120
They have both come
just to hear you.

295
00:19:15,120 --> 00:19:18,440
Now, what was it
you wanted to tell me?

296
00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:21,520
Wait!

297
00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:26,160
Hi. I feel very bad...

298
00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:29,960
Ah! This is Mr Bernard Jazz.
Very good!

299
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:32,080
No, I'm not at all. I'm not.

300
00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:35,360
You've got to stop
putting yourself down.

301
00:19:35,360 --> 00:19:37,360
Come on, play something.

302
00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:41,280
Yes. Er, sorry. Hang on.

303
00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:43,360
STICKS CLATTER

304
00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:47,320
No, I can't help either of you.
I'm dying!

305
00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:51,640
Look, if you just say yes,
I'll stop doing this.

306
00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:57,560
A week! A week off! A whole week,
all yours, paid from today!

307
00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:05,880
Spoon me.

308
00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:16,800
Bravo!

309
00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:21,560
Go on, your turn.

310
00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:23,560
How about a duet?

311
00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:27,240
All right.

312
00:20:32,120 --> 00:20:33,400
Please, no!

313
00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:34,400
And one, and two and...

314
00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:35,400
No!

315
00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:37,440
And 1, 2, 3, 4.

316
00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:40,760

Castilla, from Suite Espana

317
00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:38,000
Bravo! Wonderful!

318
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:44,120
Extraordinary! I think possibly
the second-best performance
I ever heard.

319
00:21:44,120 --> 00:21:46,680
Yeah, no big...
What do you mean, second-best?

320
00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:48,720
No more. No more.

321
00:21:48,720 --> 00:21:50,800
In '43, I heard Rachmaninov.

322
00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:55,400
He finished
with Flight Of The Bumblebee.

323
00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:58,080
You almost approached him.

324
00:21:58,080 --> 00:22:02,080
Never happy, are you? Rachmaninov!
I bet he used all his fingers.

325
00:22:02,120 --> 00:22:04,680
I'm sure you can do better than that

326
00:22:04,680 --> 00:22:08,280
Exactly! I know!
We'll do our party piece.

327
00:22:08,280 --> 00:22:12,360
Yeah. Yeah, we only use one
finger each. It's in triple time.

328
00:22:12,360 --> 00:22:15,920
It's called Flight
Of The Seven Million Bumblebees.

329
00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:19,160
andlt; Impossible.
You're either boasting or joking!

330
00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:20,120
You think so?

331
00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:23,040
Just watch this.

332
00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:26,360
DISCORDANT JUMBLE OF NOTES

333
00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:38,280
(CHUCKLES)

334
00:22:38,280 --> 00:22:40,280
Oh, that's good.

335
00:22:40,280 --> 00:22:42,640
(LAUGHS LOUDLY)

336
00:22:42,640 --> 00:22:45,280
Wonderful. That's just the ticket.

337
00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:47,280
(LAUGHS MORE LOUDLY)

338
00:22:53,520 --> 00:22:55,760
andlt; HEAVY BLOWS

339
00:22:57,800 --> 00:23:01,920
(SOBS)

340
00:23:03,920 --> 00:23:05,080
(SNIVELS)

341
00:23:05,120 --> 00:23:09,440
So Josef shouted, you're a failure.
Whisht your noise, would you?

342
00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:13,400
I can't get a refund
because it's full of bloody spoons.

343
00:23:17,160 --> 00:23:19,000
Manny, get the aspirin.

344
00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:21,800
No. I hope your head explodes.

345
00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:24,760
Have some pity! You have to get
drunk when you've been dumped.

346
00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:28,120
I'm delighted. It's all your fault.

347
00:23:28,120 --> 00:23:32,440
My ankle's sprained, I can only see
out of my ear, everything hurts.

348
00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:33,240
Please!

349
00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:38,520
Hello. Would you like
to make a donation to the blind?

350
00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:07,920
Intelfax subtitles
CAT WIENER